When it’s okay to break a secret


Can you keep a secret?” she asked. “Sure!” was my quick reply, thinking I was going to hear something light-hearted.

My friend then confided that she had been doing something inappropriate for several weeks. It wasn’t illegal, and it wasn’t hurting anyone, but I knew it was wrong . . . and so did she.

I immediately offered an alternative so she could stop what she was doing, but she adamantly declined.

We parted ways, and I felt the weight of an ethical dilemma sink like a boulder in the pit of my stomach.

If I broke her secret, I would betray her confidence and risk losing our fledgling friendship. Yet if I stayed silent, I would be part of a cover-up.

I felt stuck between a rock and a hard place.

Over the next few days, I agonized over what to do. I asked God for wisdom, and sought counsel and prayer from a small group of trusted friends (without sharing specifics).

Through this process, the answer became clear. I couldn’t keep the secret— and I needed to let my friend know.

I dreaded the conversation, as I usually try to avoid confrontation.

Finally, I mustered up my courage to meet with her. I prayed for the right words to say, and for her heart to be receptive.

With gentle firmness (and a pretty rapid heart rate), I shared that I couldn’t be part of hiding her behavior, and again offered assistance to help her stop. To my great relief, she agreed to cease what she was doing . . .and even thanked me.

“I think it was providential that our paths crossed,” she said. “I needed a kick in the butt to change things.”

freedom[1]My conscience finally found its release, and I think hers did, too.

And it was all because I chose to not keep a secret.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m a big believer in confidentiality. My long-time friends, family and my employer know they can trust me with sensitive information. I have faithfully kept countless things private over the years.

But this situation taught me something important:

There’s an appropriate time to disclose certain secrets—our own, and sometimes even those of someone else.

The news has been filled recently with stories about multiple actresses revealing they were harassed by a powerful Hollywood mogul. Many of them carried their secrets for decades. It triggered a social media blitz of everyday women posting “#metoo.”

These revelations are an example of a much more serious type of secret, but the principle is the same.

If keeping something confidential compromises someone’s well-being, or allows  bad behavior to go unchecked, it’s a secret you shouldn’t keep.

While it’s not an easy process, illuminating a secret can be the first step toward healing and freedom.

I encourage you to prayerfully evaluate your life. Is there a secret you need to break?






2 thoughts on “When it’s okay to break a secret

  1. Beautifully written my friend. Thank you for sharing. I will keep your words in my heart Jane.


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