Is singleness a tragedy?

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I finally got the courage to approve the comment.  It was written in response to a post I published some time ago about feeling left behind in the marriage department. The reader incorrectly interpreted that I was making light of my struggle, and wrote, “Please don’t refer to heartfelt sadness as a ‘pity party.’ To leave this earth without marriage and family is a tragedy for too many people.”

While she missed the overall intention of the post, which was to celebrate how God helped me focus on the blessings in my life, what continued to gnaw at me was her statement that being single is a tragedy.

If what she wrote is true, then nearly half of the adult population in the United States [1] are living  tragic lives.

To put it more bluntly, it means my life is a tragedy!

So, I determined that one day I would “prove her wrong” in a follow-up blog post.  I would give all the reasons why singleness is a good thing, cite Scripture to back it up, and list examples of singles, Biblical and otherwise, who have lived exemplary lives (I mean, who could say that the Apostle Paul or Mother Teresa’s lives were tragedies?)

I discovered a blog by Fern Horst that covered a great deal of the ground for me, “Marriage Good, Singleness Bad?” [2]

Horst notes, “. . . both Jesus and the Apostle Paul, who also remained single and childless, indicate there is rich benefit and purpose in singleness. Jesus in Matthew 19, and Paul in 1 Corinthians 7, both encourage those who are not married to remain single for the sake of being fully devoted without distraction to God and the work of His Kingdom. We tend to dance around the fact that both Jesus and Paul indicate that, for the sake of the Kingdom of God, singleness is better.”

Inwardly I applauded Fern for affirming the value of living single.

But then I was stopped dead in my tracks by a blog post written by Abby Wong titled “Post-traumatic Single Disorder.” [3]

Say what???

Newly married Ms. Wong told how she “survived” singleness into her mid-30’s – (oh my, give that girl a gold star)!

Sorry, I couldn’t resist.

While she admitted some of her single life was fun, she went on to describe the “post-traumatic stress” that being unmarried caused.

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She wrote, “I want to give voice to the trauma of being single . . .the seemingly eternal wanting, the trauma of living alone, the trauma of feeling marginalized in a coupled world, the trauma of being incapacitated with the flu and having no one there to feed or nurse you, the trauma of having to make major life decisions without a partner, the trauma of not having a key witness to your life or an ally who has made a life vow, a covenant to you and you alone. It is traumatic to feel unchosen.”

My sarcasm evaporated as I read that paragraph.  I wanted to quickly dismiss it . . . but in my heart I knew I had felt virtually identical feelings over the course of my single life.  And while I feel  “trauma” might be too strong of a term, I have to concede that sometimes singleness can be tough – especially when others view your life as second-best.

A couple of weeks ago I went to an outdoor concert in a local park.  I was sitting on a fleece blanket by myself, enjoying the open-air jazz music when a former co-worker and her husband sat down next to me.  We chatted for a while, and then as we parted ways, the husband leaned in and said,   “I always see you by yourself at events.”  He added, “I feel for you.  I’m very fortunate to have found my wife.”

I knew he meant well, but it was as if he thrust a spear through my spirit.  It was the first time I heard anyone overtly express sympathy for me because I’m not married.  And it made me wonder . . . who else is thinking the same thing?

Without doubt, society still views marriage as superior to singleness, especially in Christian circles.  The virtues of singleness are almost never mentioned in church, while marriage and parenting are celebrated.  Indeed, singleness is typically viewed as an unfortunate condition that needs to be remedied.

The message seems to be, “singles couldn’t possibly be happy.”  Or could they?

I woke up to my favorite faith-based radio station the other day to hear this teaser:  “Are single or married people happier? – I’ll share the shocking results after this song.”

My ears perked up and I stayed tune to hear the D.J. report the results of a recent study that indicates that singles may actually be happier than married people! [4]

Happy business people laughing against white background

According to a new meta-analysis by social psychologist Bella DePaulo, the stereotype that all singles are sad and lonely (and sitting on the couch, eating a pint of Ben & Jerry’s) isn’t true.

DePaulo presented her findings at the American Psychological Association’s 124th Annual Convention. The major takeaway was this: Research comparing people who have stayed single with those who have stayed married reveals that single people are better connected, have a heightened sense of self-determination, and are more likely to experience continued growth and development.

I immediately noticed the radio announcer’s discomfort.  She disclosed that she had married very young, and urged people to call in to debate the research findings. It almost seemed as if she felt threatened – or at least unsettled that the data didn’t line up with her long-standing belief in the superiority of marriage.

While studies like these are interesting, I don’t believe it’s productive for either singles or marrieds to try to prove who is happier. Instead, I advocate for a more balanced view – recognizing that both marriage and singleness have advantages and disadvantages—and that both life paths can be good.

As Fern Horst puts it, “If we dig into the whole of Scripture, we discover that both marriage and singleness are equally good. One is not a blessing, and the other a curse. One is not a reward, and the other a punishment. And one is not more honorable than the other. Both are ordained of God for His purposes, and He chooses who He will for both roles.”

While the circumstances that sometimes lead to singleness (such as the death of a spouse or divorce) can be tragic, I firmly believe singleness, whether for a season or a lifetime, is not a tragedy.

Singleness, whether for a season or a lifetime, is not a tragedy.

What is tragic is when anyone, regardless of marital status, believes they are unloved or unwanted, for neither are true in God’s eyes.   We can all experience wholeness, companionship, and purpose as we entrust our hearts to Him.

Indeed, no life redeemed by Christ is a tragedy.

So join me in focusing on what’s truly important – not whether someone has a ring on their finger, but helping one another live to the glory of God.

 

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[1] http://www.census.gov/newsroom/facts-for-features/2016/cb16-ff18.html

[2] http://singleness.org/marriage-good-singleness-bad/

[3] http://theallendercenter.org/2016/05/post-traumatic-single-disorder/

[4] http://www.today.com/health/single-ladies-you-might-be-healthier-happier-married-friends-t101511

 

16 thoughts on “Is singleness a tragedy?”

  1. Being single is certainly not a tragedy. I am currently married, but while I was single I totally enjoyed dating myself. Yes, society throws in your face daily that you should be in a relationship and if you’re not, then something is wrong. But truthfully, marriage is not for everyone. God made us relational creatures, but before someone jumps into marriage, I would suggest they enjoy their single life first. Because life is so different when you have to consider someone else!

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  2. Your last statement, “So join me in focusing on what’s truly important – not whether someone has a ring on their finger, but in helping one another live to the glory of God.” really brings it home for me.

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  5. You totally rock, Jane! You always handle this subject with such dignity and wisdom! I agree that the single life does have its challenges. So does the married life. It can be a fun discussion , but the real point is that NO life redeemed by Christ is tragic.
    Admittedly, I have little understanding of the married life. I quite enjoy the benefits and flexibility of being single. Of all the responses to this “condition,” I find I have the least patience for those who are constantly unhappy that they have not been chosen for marriage. It has been my experience that they continue to be unhappy in marriage. Sad really.
    So I will continue workin towards being gracious to happily married match makers and more tolerant of those who desire marriage, even as I learn to manage a drip irrigation system at my new-to-me house. It’s all good !
    Nice work , J Pester !

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  6. Tambri – Thank you for sharing your perspective on the topic and for affirming that a single life, lived to the glory of God, can be a good thing! Keep on rocking it, my friend – including getting the upper hand on that drip irrigation system!

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  8. Kathy, thank you for your kind words. You are in my thoughts and prayers as you transition to a season of singleness again. Much love to you!

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  9. For some people, yes, singleness is a tragedy.

    People are different and diverse. Some people fervently a desire a romantic partner, a spouse, sex, kids, etc. These desires are all normal. Yes, I know these things aren’t “everything” or “all there is to life” (as all the married folks will helpfully remind you), but they’re certainly genuine and normal desires that many people have. Nothing wrong with that.

    Now, it doesn’t necessarily mean your life is a tragedy, of course. Some people have no desire for these things. Some people have mild desires for these things. And some people, of course, have very strong and passionate desires for these things that just make it all the more painful.

    This Fern Horst quote you cite is interesting. “We tend to dance around the fact that both Jesus and Paul indicate that, for the sake of the Kingdom of God, singleness is better.” It might seem like they’re putright saying that, but I think their statements were more nuanced than that.

    When Jesus talked about singleness, he said that not everyone was able to accept it. When Paul talked about singleness in 1 Corinthians 7, he said that it might be better to be single, but he also clarified that this was just his own personal opinion. He also noted “the present distress,” some sort of crisis the church in Corinth was dealing with, which would make it sensible for him to caution people about marrying. He also says that “if you do marry, you have not sinned.” From this chapter, it also seems like Paul thought the church was living in the End Times, in which case it also makes sense for him to caution people about marrying. But I don’t think Paul is making a sweeping, general blanket statement here along the lines of “It’s better for the Christian of every historical era to stay single forever.”

    So, yes, the Bible has good things to say about singleness, but it has lots of caveats and qualifiers and nuanced statements as well.

    Besides, if singleness is better “for the sake of the Kingdom of God,” then why are all the pastors married? Being a pastor is a rather important ministry, isn’t it? A lot of the time, Christians will encourage you to stay single, or at least consider singleness, because it allows you to focus better on your ministry. Seems like there’s plenty of Christians involved in important ministries who decide that singleness isn’t for them and that they’d rather want marriage. Huh! Interesting! Is God shaking His head in disappointment?

    I don’t know if I’d use the word “trauma,” but, for sure, singleness comes with a lot of pain if it’s unwanted. Loneliness, lack of physical affection, unmet sexual desires, comparison, etc., etc. Another painful part of it is that you’re unchosen, which can make you feel unwanted. When you marry someone, it means someone evaluated you, found you worthy, and chose you. If you’ve never dated, or been rejected a lot, it can sting quite a bit, because it means someone evaluaated you and decided not to choose you.

    And if you earnestly desire a romantic relationship and lack success in this area, there’s not really a substitute for it. Sure, your family loves you, but it’s not that kind of love. Sure, your friends love you, but it’s not that kind of love. Marriage is unique, and exclusive, and special, and if you desire it and miss out on it, it can be very painful. That should be acknowledged, certainly.

    And, sure, “society” may view marriage as superior to singleness. But lots of people view it this way as their own. It’s a genuine desire lots of people have, and there’snothing wrong with it.

    Singleness might not necessarily be a “tragedy,” sure, but it can certainly be challenging and painful when you don’t want it.

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  10. Thank you for your well thought out response to my blog post. I agree, there are many nuances to the topic, and each person’s experience as a single is different. Many struggle deeply and this post is not meant to discount that at all. I continue to experience my own pain related to singleness. However, the premise of this post is that in the midst of our struggles (whether married or single), God’s loving redemption is at work. We are His beloved, and our lives still have purpose and meaning. He draws us close to Him in our deepest pain and unfulfilled longings, and works through our struggles to encourage others along their challenging paths. Because of this, I believe that our lives, though they may have tragic elements, are not tragic. We can live in the assurance that our lives have value and matter in this world.

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  11. Yeah, for sure.

    There’s lots of diverse challenges to deal with when you’re single. I’ve been single for a while, so I’ve experienced much of it. And I don’t doubt that God’s at work. I’ve been blessed as a single, and have had opportunities to bless others. Maybe I wouldn’t have had some of these if I was married. I don’t know.

    On the balance, of course, I would still rather be married, haha. We live in a bad, fallen, sinful world, where bad things happen and life doesn’t always go our way. I think some of us might be single because of that, perhaps, rather than some sort of Master Plan devised by God. For example, I’ve often read that that there’s more Christian women in the world than there are men. If that’s broadly accurate, it means not every Christian will find a marriage partner. And God never promised such a thing. For some, it’s just one aspect of worldly suffering, in a way. We all struggle in this world.

    Marriage existed before the Fall of mankind. I wonder how these things would play out in a perfect world.

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  12. Thank you so much for your comment and perspective! As you noted, there are definitely blessings that come with being single, as well as unique opportunities to bless others. A great deal of struggle can also accompany singleness. I was struck with your comment that God never promised that everyone will marry. That is true! Thankfully He did promise so many other things we can take comfort in, such as that He will never leave nor forsake us. It is interesting to reflect on the impact a fallen world has on why some people never marry, or lose a spouse due to divorce or death. I also ponder what heaven will be like, since Scripture seems to indicate that there will neither be marriage nor giving in marriage there (Matthew 22:30). Blessings to you!

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  13. Yeah, for sure, I’ve experienced many blessings as a single, and much pain, disappointment, loneliness as well. Sometimes people urge you to be “positive” and “look on the bright side,” but the good and bad are all real. No need to downplay or ignore the pain, or be in denial about it.

    And yeah, sometimes I have to remind myself that we’re not promised marriage. When you grow up in a Christian environment, you often get messages along the lines of trusting in “God’s timing,” and that God “has someone for you” and things like that. Sometimes the message is subtle, sometimes less so. But, if you grow up in an environment like that, you can forget that the Bible nowhere promises us marriage. It seems to say that we can choose marriage, actually (1 Corinthians 7:39)

    And, yes, like you said, Jesus told us that there is no marriage in Heaven. he doesn’t explain why that is, but I assume it has something to do with marriage being a picture or shadow of our relationship with Him, and Heaven being the reality. I assume we won’t deal with romantic or sexual desires there.

    I can’t wait, LOL!

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  14. Another point that came to mind is this:

    A lot of the time, when you’re single, people tell you to “take advantage” of it because you can apparently “serve more.” You have more “time” to serve. Or people will say things along the lines of “God has you single right now, so use this time to serve Him.” Things like that. I question that idea, though.

    I think lot of this comes from a certain take on what Paul writes in 1 Corinthians 7:32-35. Paul basically says that an unmarried person is devoted to the Lord and not distracted by the needs of his spouse. This is then interpreted by some to mean that a person can do “more ministry” as a single. I don’t think that’s what Paul says here, though.

    I mean, if that’s the case, why are all the pastors and church elders typically married? Did they make a mistake? Is marriage getting in the way of their ministry? What Paul says here, I believe, is that if you aren’t distracted by the desire for marriage, then maybe you have the gift of singleness.

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  15. Thank you so much for your additional comments. I certainly went through the years where I felt pressured to marry by society . . . actually there are still subtle and not-so-subtle “singleness is the worst possible outcome” messages everywhere. I find it a trust and faith producing adventure to continue to believe I am God’s beloved and His plan for my life is good. I agree that we can’t assume singles have more capacity to “serve” than marrieds, though that may be true for some. I do think as singles we have some unique opportunities to be close to God in a special way as we depend on him and may have fewer earthly distractions. (I must admit, I enjoy the freedom of praying or singing out loud at home whenever I want to!) Blessings to you.

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  16. OK, interesting.

    Yeah, this is just my own personal experience, but I’ve never felt “pressured” by anyone to get into a relationship or settle down. It was just a genuine desire I had on my own. It always makes me wonder when I hear people say that they were “pressured” to marry, whether they desired marriage or not. I guess we often just assume that marriage is the societal norm.

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